Some things your brain will not permit you to think about until you are in a place where it is truly permissible, where you have free mental space. I have gained some of that recently.
Forgotten:
• In the spring semester of my freshman year, when I myself am in the beginning of a year-long depressive episode, three alumni commit suicide. At least two of them are gay.
• The trigger for the last major relapse of my eating disorder there: being set up with a friend of a friend. A cool and respectable Wheaton dude; I didn't know why it made me feel so terrified and despairing, but I promised myself I would get sick again and make it go away.
Waiting to be discovered:
• That professor with the fresh, shiny, postmodern explanation for why gay people don't really exist that all the more liberal students swallowed so eagerly? He based his argument entirely on concepts appropriated directly from queer theory, but failed both to give credit and to mention that the gay scholars who created those concepts had found it possible to follow them to different conclusions.
I'm really glad that you're in a safe enough space now to revisit this.
ReplyDeleteThat's a lot of loss... I'm sorry.
Goodness sister, i am so sorry.
ReplyDeletevery glad that you are in a safe place too.
ReplyDeletecupcakes and xo,
SL
I'm not sure if it was Wheaton that brought out the worst in people or if people just tend to be major phobic heteronormative idiots. Although I think it's the later, I will say for the record that I've never encountered a bigger straight, white dude circle-jerk that I did at Wheaton I'm glad that you've had the time and the space you needed to process some of those memories and feelings.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what that fresh shiny postmodern explanation was...? (If you're comfortable, email me?)
ReplyDeleteThe first point is just so sad. Sigh..... fuckin' A..... fuckin' Christian schools..... :/
(I may have mentioned before, but -- one of my friends here dropped out of bible college because he was depressed and suicidal. Thankfully, he's in a much better place now, and also an atheist now hahaha :/)
I too echo the gratitude that you are now in a safe place.
Thank you, friends.
ReplyDeleteKathryn -- I am certain that the structures and policies of Wheaton fostered "the worst" in people.
sui - Yes, I will give you the explanation sometime; remind me?